my One

I will always love her. Not because I chose to or because she'd love me back. I will always love her because she is my One. I've always been interested in 'interesting' more than in 'pretty'. To me she is the most gorgeous girl I've ever encountered, but when it comes to her I am blind at the same time as I experience seeing for the first time. I value her friendship, her quirkiness, her intelligence, her talents, of which she has quiet a few and I love her cuteness. I will always love her. It is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it is the most beautiful and intense feeling one can have, a curse because at some point I will be someone's One and my heart won't be mine give to that person and they will be in the same predicament as I am. But I don't mind. I enjoy every second with her and ache every second without her. I love her and I will always love her.

Holidays in the States

Well, I would post pictures of me carving a pumpkin for Halloween, but someone who shall remain anonymous - yes I am looking at a curly head, don't scoled at me over your glasses - has not yet let me put them on my laptop let alone lay eyes on them. Let me tell you that I very much enjoyed it.
But what I can do, is share my Thanksgiving with you.

It basically started a day early, because we - the awesome Clark family and I - went to see the latest Harry Potter installment, which was a very well interpretation of the book. A much more detailed review/critique shall be found in my journal, which is only available to myself. Muhaha

We came home around one in the morning. I knocked myself out with Nyquil - got a cold - just to be woken at 8:30 am to stuff the turkey. See below.

The one in the white shirt is me, NOT the turkey. Don't mind the hair, it was early and before my morning toilet. I liked the stuffing and the basting. I won't allow inappropriate comments of any kind!!

Then we went shopping, because I don't like crowds so shopping on Black Friday tomorrow will happen on my terms and only mine. Anyways. The fist K Mart didn't have my camcorder and caera as they were advertised. The second one had them, but for some reason my credit card got declined. Have I mentioned, that it's -17 degree Celcius (appr. -5 Fahrenheit) and I don't own a car and this is the freaking States. Going places is not easy. Now I have to go back there next week because I got the stuff on lay away, hoping that my credit card problems will be solved by then. It is not my fault; I do own money...

When we got back and watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, baked pumpkin pie and apple pie and had dinner at some point. It was delicious; the gravy and he mashed poatos were my favorite part of the meal. Weird huh?

Now the family watches Muppet Christmas Carols and I enjoy it. And tomorrow? Shopping!

Time

It is painful to know that time is limited. Not just time on earth as a living and feeling human being, but the smaller portions of time spend with incredible people. You know that none of you have the same starting point. Your grandma can not be your age so the amount of her time that overlaps with yours is restricted by her time which is unfortunately not infinite. Short: Her time is up. But you'll miss her for the rest of yours. Terribly.

Not just difference in age limits time for people, but geography. Your best friend from elementary school moves away and because you don' know better you lose touch. In college you still remember her name but cannot find her on the various social networks. Is she just not part of the virtual world or might she have left the real world? You'll never know.

Your mom lives three hours away from you. You see her four times a year because train tickets are expensive. Your sister- one and a half hours in the opposite direction- has not much in common so contact with her is scarce to say the least.

You decide to leave the country because you always wanted to. You know when you'll be back “home” and everything works according to your plan. But you miscalculated and people were not part of your equation. Three months in and you know your departure will be hell. This time you can't comfort your aching heart with a mantra: you'll see 'hem again. Because you won't see them. Maybe the oh so helpful social networks keep you updated about their lives, but you won't be a part of it. Never again.

Time is limited. Yours … and the time you spend with others. Make it count.

You

I only eat half of the cookie, because I want to share everything with you. I see you sitting opposite of me saying 'no' to the sweet taste of the chocolate glazed bliss. The way you look at it makes me want to be that cookie. Oh so desired and satisfying. When I say good bye or good night I want to bent down and kiss you on the top of your head. I love the smell of your shampoo. When you say you're cold my arms automatically move, want to pull you closer and just hold you.

But..you never eat the other half. You don't sit opposite of me. My lips never touch your soft hair. My arms will always ache to embrace your slender form; never to experience the perfection that is holding you.

For I will always yearn for you... but you not for me.

that is what my hand used to look like

 

no I did not cut myself with a knife (not even by accident)

                 
about half an hour after I took off the bandage (about 3 and a half after having it done)

yes my own little design

The heart which is halfway filld stands for me being able to love, having loved and being loved. But there is room for more (cheesy I know). The intertwined letters C and M stand for my grandparents who passed away. I miss them very much. The star stands for everything I want to achieve in life. The wings make a nie frame and they are an awesome way to get from one place to another.

I'll have it until I die. Amazing.

woah my day

Technically I am talking about yesterday and today, but who cares?
I had my first violin lesson last night. I liked it a lot and went back to practice today. And I also learned a lot about China at a conference thingy.. which also gave me insight into Republicans and how funny they are. (not really but you know what I mean)
This morning I was curious about violin prices on ebay. Guess who accidently ordered one from some business in California. Now I am broke, because I also payed a deposit for my tattoo that I wanted for the last couple of months. Yes, I am getting a tattoo and I realized tonight that I a terrified!

But otherwise my day was great, though stressfull. I've found money. Twice. First I found Chinese money and then a quarter. Lucky me. They also repaired my bed, so I don't have to be scared of waking up in the middle of the night because I somehow ended up on the floor.
The Titanic themed dinner was great huh?
Because I am such a hard-working little bee I got to eat the first class food. Goodness that was pure heaven. And I wish I could have mini cheesecake muffin-thingies every day.
And the highlight of my day was my friend Hai Wen. She gave me my Chinese name: 莎 滨 娜
Good night - Schlaft gut
 

Starting on a sad note

I lost someone to cancer; she was really close to me. That great someone was my grandma and it happened in March '07. Since then I get angry everytime I hear about someone having cancer. I don't like being angry, but I just care too damn much. Someone else I know has cancer. Someone I care about. I cannot change that. A third person - who I hoped for and who's struggle I witnessed through a friend - died a week ago. I can buy as many cancer awareness T-shirts I want, I can donate money for the cause, I can send get-well-cards to strangers who fight cancer and I can be angry 20/7. That doesn't change the fact that people die. People I like and care about and people who leave behind their loved ones.

Christa
Janet
Dieter
Chazzy
.....

I asked this girl who sits next to me in the library - yes the world keeps moving; no one pauses- and she says that there was beauty in the sadness I'm feeling. Because it showed that I cared.
I don't see that beauty, but everything around me is blury because these damn tears just won't stop coming.